Never have I felt so held. And I saw, I felt. Just the way it had to be. The way it is, the way I yearn. One tiny alveolus in a great great hive. Millions and millions of individual structures holding together the greater structure that is in turn holding everything together. Sweet surrender. Absolute safety. Perfect fit.
I was slipping under the sheets right at the announced time, so I figured I'd join in from the warm comfort of my bed. A little yoga nidra, my own way of joining the world meditation that was supposed to be happening right then.
I'm really not a seasoned meditator. I've been trying to sit every morning for 15-30 minutes for a year or two now. Sure, I did experience some freaky stuff over the course of my budding practice, mostly at the beginning. When I kind of started seeing myself from a third-person perspective. Or getting this sensation of infinite space in the middle of my head, or a feeling of weightlessness, too. But I've been trying not to focus too much on these experiences. I'm not really tuned in to all the New Age stuff, or the scientific, becoming superhuman stuff. I meditate because I feel it's helping me lead a better life. See more, be more conscious, more understanding, kinder. Not so much for all the whoowhoo surrounding it.
That thing yesterday, though, that was new.
If I'm not much of a believer, I do believe in what I feel. And I can feel that there's more than meets the eyes, the ears, the skin, the nose, the tongue. I do believe we're all connected in more ways than we really know. So without being overly enthusiastic about the announcement of a world meditation earlier in the week by a bunch of different gurus all over the world, I still kept it on my radar.
And last night as I went to bed and realized it was the exact time for the meditation, I figured I might as well close my eyes and get in that headspace.
What happened was nothing transcendental or mystical or whatever. But I wanted to share it here because that thing I felt was exactly how I have been envisioning a better world for all living creatures. A world of abundance, where we are all supported by a great web of interdependent relations, where security is a tangible reality rather than a feeling that is always just beyond reach. I know this world can exist, I know we can make it. Only I had never really felt it, until yesterday.
As I lay in bed in Buenos Aires at 23:44 on April 4th, 2020, I just softly shut my eyes and started observing, as I try to do every day -- though it's usually in the morning, sitting down. Observing the breath, feeling the body. Trying to keep the mind in the present moment, bringing it back whenever I catch it drifting. It's not hard. Not easy, either. But this time, almost instantly, I felt as though I was being lifted off. As though my consciousness was attached to a hook floating way up above, and a higher plane came to latch onto the hook and carry it away, elevate it.
From there, all effort was gone. There was no paying attention, no watching out for my wandering mind, no intention. I was just... held. For a few fleeting minutes (or seconds??), it was like I absolutely did not have to be in charge. I was free to just float, my consciousness impeccably nested into a greater whole. Playing a fundamental role in that whole -- just like any link of a larger chain -- but doing so effortlessly, liberated from any worry, any necessity. I was just where I had to be. Fully free, fully safe, fully whole, forever.
I am the structure that supports the structure that supports me, I thought.
And that was it. I landed back into bed and fell asleep shortly after. Just a beautiful moment. Sheer bliss.
It changes nothing. I also have no idea if it had to do with the fact that many other people around the world were meditating at the same time, and don't care all that much. It could just be my mind reflecting back to me what I'm fantasizing about so much lately. Again, I don't think it matters. The point is, I felt it. Interdependence. So to me now, it is. And I can come back to this experience to remind myself where it is I want to be headed.
There is a version of this world where we all fit in perfectly. Where we are all playing our role naturally, without forcing it. Where we can't support others without supporting ourselves as well, and where we can't support ourselves without at the same time supporting all other beings.
I've been dreaming about this world for a while. Reading, trying to conceptualize how it could work, thinking of ways to get there, imagining my role in it. I still have no answer. I still don't know. Nothing's changed. And at the same time, it's also kind of earth-shattering. Because now, in addition to the concepts, I have the feeling that goes with it. Because now, so much more than a word or an idea or a theory, I can now relate to interdependence as a feeling.
No lesson to give. No advice. Just something sweet I wanted to share in passing. I love you. Carry on.
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